Ah, gender politics, how I've missed you. I seriously thought I left you behind in any meaningful way once I left grad school and proved to my super-macho uncles that I hadn't "wasted my father's money" by insisting on higher education; when I began leading incredibly diverse teams of people for whom gender was just one of many differences on the table; when I found a company to work for that includes transgender equality in its list of protected minority groups (and walks the talk); when I stopped omitting the fact that I date women from casual conversations about love and relationships and family. I didn't anticipate that I'd find you again on the dance floor. Alas, it's true.
Now, part of my disappointment in bumping into GP again is because of my terribly high expectations; I began social dancing at the monthly gender-role free Contra Dance at
The Center -- safe to say that it's about as open a place as one is likely to find for all sorts of personal expression. But what I've found is a teeny, tiny pocket of traditionalist attitude among a very large group of people who've been dancing iogether for a long time -- a set of expectations that haven't been shifted in response to new challenges. Not everyone is, or will be, (or, I suppose, has to be) comfortable with people who operate outside of traditional "gents" and "ladies" gender roles. I'm okay with that. I actually have a pretty high tolerance for other people's discomfort in general; as long as they don't go out of their way to insult me or make me feel unwelcome, I am just fine if people I don't know are offended by my presence in a room -- or, hell, my existence as a whole.
As a relatively new dancer who breaks the mold in a lot of ways, when I'm at a traditionally gendered dance I go out of my way to be clear about what I like and what I don't, what I agree to and what I don't, and whom I dance with and whom I won't. I've only just started asking people to dance (rather than hanging back and waiting to be approached) -- I always choose people who clearly like to follow or who frequently trade positions back and forth, and I clearly state that I'd prefer to lead or that I'm happy with either role, as the case may be. When I'm asked by someone whom either always leads or whom I don't know, I indicate that I prefer to lead and that if they aren't happy with that arrangement they should find a new partner (and that I'm not offended by such a move). In a Contra set, I make sure that the people around me understand that I'm leading, so that when they look up expecting to see a man ready to swing or allemande or dosido, they don't get confused. I consider that my responsibility, since I'm the one challenging norms, and ensuring that everyone at a dance has a great time is everyone's responsibility. It's easier to have fun if you know what to expect.
But responsibility is a two-way street in any social scene, particularly one that bills itself as being open and welcoming to everyone, and something happened at last night's dance that has made me supremely uncomfortable. I was dancing a set with my friend Jeffrey, who is an adorable man who loves being twirled around -- he's also new to Contra, but has the potential of being a really fantastic Follow. He's both tall and very slender, so we're well matched when I'm Leading. Ours was an early dance in the evening and one with relatively simple moves; I felt confident that not only could we get through the dance with few flaws, but that I could practice some embellishments that I've been working on (Jeffrey is lovely and indulgent that way). But twice on our way through the set, couples that we moved on to dance with were put out by our role reversal, and once we were physically moved into "our proper places" by a guy who was way too strong for either of us to avoid. Talk about not fun.
There are so many ways that his behavior was rude and inappropriate and wrong. I'm a grown-up, and yes, I'm relatively new to dancing (although at a separate moment last night I was chastised for not dancing with enough new people, so apparently I've been around long enough to be "experienced"), but I know tow to control of my own body and know where I am supposed to go and when; being forcibly moved against my will by someone I'm not even dancing with is incredibly insulting. But for the moment, I'm going to ignore that and focus instead on the fact that -- politics and comfort aside -- I could actually have been badly injured by that move. (I'm not speaking for Jeffrey, since I didn't see his part of it.)
Let me walk you through it.
In a Contra foursome such as the one we were dancing, the Lead stands on the left and the Follow on the right, with the first couple facing the second. (If it helps, imagine the square imposed on a clock face, with Leads at 2 and 8, and Follows at 10 and 4, top of the clock as couple 1, bottom of the clock as couple 2.) What happened to me twice last night is that, while Leading (clock position 8 next to Jeffrey in position 4), my partner and I moved through the set to a new traditionally-gendered couple where a man was Leading (2) and a woman was following (10). As a Lead, I did my job -- I made eye contact with my new neighbor (the woman in position 10) and said "I'm your lead." We moved into the steps, beginning a dosido where we walked past and twirled behind one another and then a balance and swing, where we used the tension and weight of our upper bodies against one another to generate centrifugal force for a spinning motion in the middle of the floor. Or rather, that's what I was prepared to do.
The Lead in the couple that Jeffrey and I had just met in the set decided that I was in the wrong place. Rather than say something to me or somehow get my attention and ask if I knew what I was doing, he grabbed my free right arm at the wrist, and pulled. When I resisted, he stepped closer, grabbed me around the waist, and moved me to the opposite side of the set.
Two really terrible things could have happened when he did that. First, I was walking and spinning backwards when he latched on and he pulled my arm toward him. If I were less nimble (or less healthy, frankly), he could have wrenched my arm at the wrist or shoulder socket, or caused me to pull a muscle in my back or chest. Second, I had all of my weight on my right leg (the one closest to him) while preparing to shift into a swinging move, when he started to pull; if he'd pulled harder, or if I were less nimble and able to move my feet around, I would have fallen like an axed tree, with nothing to break my fall because my left leg was in the air and he had hold of my right arm. He was much stronger and much heavier than I am -- that he didn't actually hurt me is almost entirely due to the fact that I have really good reflexes.
Now I'm physically fine. I'm sore today, yes, but that's the result of lots and lots of dancing after a busy day with too little to eat, and some very energetic dances that I wasn't quite prepared for -- I have no pulls or lingering soreness from that situation. But I'm pissed as hell; much moreso today than I was last night. As soon as he let go of me, I said, "don't do that; I'm leading, and I know what I'm doing," and moved back to my proper place; we finished the set, and I avoided him for the rest of the night.
I don't know the man. I don't know what his problem with us was; maybe he did think that we just didn't know what we were doing, and was trying to correct the set as quickly as possible. Contra is lively, and friendly, and social, and I've had really fantastic experiences thus far -- I don't want to think that the people I'm meeting and becoming friends with are uncomfortable around me. But I also don't want to start second guessing everything that I do or say or think to be sure that I'm never causing offense or getting people to think outside of the box -- been there, done that, burned the t-shirt. It's not who I am, it's not what I do, and it makes me supremely unhappy.
Time to become cognizant of the norms again, and hyper-aware of all the ways I break them. I suppose that in some ways the whole "being a lady who leads" thing would be easier if I still shaved my head and hid my curves beneath boys' clothing, but I outgrew that attitude with my teens. It so clearly feels past the time that the rest of the world should grow up and see the beauty in shades of gray.